Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
