I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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