god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
