My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Randomize
