i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
