i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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