I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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