Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
