So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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