Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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