so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I understand Curling. That high.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
