ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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