I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
