I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
