remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
