God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
