my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
