It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
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He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
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I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.