My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
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at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
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oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.