I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?