I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
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So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
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If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.