I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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