I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
