Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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