Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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