508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
