textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
