She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
