So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
