Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
