I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
