That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
