I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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