dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
