I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
