At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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