If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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