the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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