I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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