I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
