i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
