So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
