you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
