He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
