I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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