Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
