Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
