just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
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his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
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"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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