I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
