I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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