We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
