he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
