I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.