I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
