Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
