I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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