She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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