Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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