i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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